I Know What Time It Is...

This post may be all over the place tonight...pull up a chair and some chocolate...we may need it!

Toward the end of my pregnancy with Nathan, I was really uncomfortable and I remember thinking the day would never get here for me to have him...I was so ready!  I was so ready to have him until right before I had him!  Yes, you read that correctly!  I was ready to have him until right before I had him!

I began to wonder if I was ready to be a mama.  How would I know what he needed?  What if we weren't good at being parents? 

I started thinking about all of the things in this great big world that he would have to face and it scared me.  It scared me to think we were going to be responsible for his life...all of it. We were in our mid-twenties with careers and we were afraid of what we didn't know.

Then I started thinking how "safe" he was inside of me and I wanted time to slow down!  I wanted him to stay safe for as long as I could keep him safe.  True story.  Suddenly it didn't matter to me how uncomfortable I was as long as he was safe...that was all that mattered to me...

It was at that very moment I knew I was ready to be a mama...

That instinct to protect has never gone away...

And now, on the verge of high school graduation and entry into college, I find myself feeling the exact same way as I did before he came into this great big world on his own...I find myself begging the face of time to slow down...understanding that time is carrying on without acknowledging my pleas...I am facing the same fears of the unknown wondering if he is ready...what will he face?  And I know the answers to that...I know.

Truth is, when I was pregnant with Nathan, I thought my womb was the safest place he could be, and that is the very place that his little brother began to die...

This world, it's complicated.  And I know, very well, that we can't always protect our kids...I couldn't protect Matthew when he needed me the most...and perhaps that is a driving force of what is behind this entire post now...I'm not sure...but I can tell you that just because we want to keep our kids where we think they are safe is not always the place that they need to be...so as much as I thought Nathan was in the safest place, it was time for him to graduate into this great big world.  And he did so when he was ready! 

Matthew did not get that chance...and today I recognize the irony of the very thought of my "safe haven" for my boys...I shake my head as I can't keep myself from the rawness this brings to my heart.

That is where the struggle is real for me...because I know we are meant to move...to transition...to grow...we were meant to walk without borders or holding mama's hand...and we were even meant to fall and struggle along the way...and y'all I even know mamas (okay, me) were meant to keep quiet when all they really want to do is yell across the parking lot "look both ways darling!"  (as they are walking to their own truck!)  Yes, I'm that mama!  But I am that mama that has learned to keep her mouth shut more than I ever thought I could or would!  

Today I look at the young man I see before my eyes and I remember when all I really wanted to do was keep him safe...and no, that hasn't changed...I still want to keep him safe, I just know that safety doesn't mean under my wings...I get that.  More than you will ever know.





I had Matthew under my wings...big mama tears.

I guess my epiphany is kind of all over the place tonight, but that's okay!  I get it!

Maybe you all get it too...

There is truly a time for everything...I know what time it is...

Signing off,


Sappy Senior Mama







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